There Is An Exit But It's Blocked By Rocks
by rocketpoweredmoliere
Summary: A three-story crossover starring Flint Lockwood from the movie Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs, Professor Trelawney from the Harry Potter series, and Tossie Merring from Connie Willis' novel To Say Nothing of the Dog. Setting inspired by Jean-Paul Sartre's play No Exit. If you think it sounds crazy, you're right.
1. Première Scène

_I suppose a bit of an author's note is in order; this is, after all, quite a strange story. This odd crossover was born from my Creative Writing class final, where our assignment was to write a three-person short one act in the style of Sartre's _Huit Clos/No Exit _using three fictional characters of our choosing. Although it's a play, I thought I'd go ahead and post it here, just for fun, and to fill the void in CWACOM/TSNOTD fanfiction. Though Tossie Merring, from Connie Willis'_ _fantastic time travel novel _To Say Nothing of the Dog_, is quite a bit more obscure than Flint and Trelawney, I think it's possible to read the play with no prior knowledge of her. Just know that she's a rich Victorian airhead who loves cats in the most obnoxious way possible._

* * *

_The stage is dark, just barely lit by a dim blue light. All is quiet until suddenly there's a rumbling sound from stage left that grows louder and louder until it sounds like rocks are overwhelming the offstage area. Someone yells, and there's one final boom. There are a few seconds of silence, and then a vague shadowy figure stumbles onto the stage._

MALE VOICE: Sam? Saaaaaam? Steve? Oh no…SAAAAAAAM!

_The figure sighs and takes off some sort of backpack, muttering to himself. He digs through it and pulls something out with a size and shape similar to that of a music box. There's a _click_ and a vague humming sound; the lights rise on the stage, and he sets the contraption down by the backpack. He's in a massive cave, rocky all around but with a relatively smooth floor. Stage left is blocked off by a large, messy rock pile unseen to the audience._

_The young adult onstage is tall and lanky. He wears a long white lab coat over his nerdy t-shirt and jeans, and his hair is a mess. He expresses much of his emotion through his incredibly agile hands whenever he talks, moves, or does anything, really. He holds a pair of thick tortoiseshell glasses in one hand. A strange song begins to play from his backpack—his ringtone—and the figure begins rummaging for his cell phone._

CELL PHONE: Flint, you have a call. Flint you have a call! Flint, you have a call. Flint you have a call! Flint, you—_[Flint answers the phone, a homemade vintage brick.]_

FLINT: Hey, Sam! What? The earthquake? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Not a scratch. I still have your glasses in one piece, sorry I didn't get to clean them…where am I? Uhhhh…. _[Flint slowly gasps and looks around in awe, eyes wide, mouth agape.]_ Oh wow. It's absolutely amazing! _[He drops the phone and runs across the stage, giggling and talking to himself.]_ Look at this! It's perfect for my experiments! A table here, a computer there… _[Runs back to his phone.] _With a bit of cleaning it'll be a perfect lab for Sparkswood! …how am I going to get out? Oh yeah. Well, I know I'm out of rock antipolish, but don't you…oh, you don't have any left? Alright. Call Dad and let him know I put some extra in the sardine cans under the sofa before we left, you can meet him there and bring me some… yes, I know my house is in the middle of the forest…you can't see without your glasses? But you didn't wear them for years before we met! I'm sure Steve will help you there, although you might want to leave him at home, you know how he always tries to antipolish himself. You'll be fine…I promise! You'll—ahmybattery'salmostdeadloveyoubye! _[He presses a button and puts the phone in his pocket. He fiddles with the glasses absentmindedly, sighing.]_ Sam…oh, Sam. Well, I'll see you in an hour or two. Might as well look around!

_He begins walking around the stage, inspecting every little detail, frequently grinning or giggling when he finds something particularly satisfying, occasionally picking up the interesting rocks he finds. He's perked up considerably, but as the glasses are a constant reminder of whom he's missing right now, he tries to not look at them. _


	2. Deuxième Scène

_After thirty seconds or so, there's a loud _bang_ like that of a backfiring car, and a ridiculously-clothed woman stumbles onto stage right, falling flat on her face with a gasp. She's wearing large, voluminous robes in several clashing colors, and her voluminous quantity of messy hair frames her bug-eyed bespectacled face. Flint jumps in surprise, fumbling with Sam's glasses but managing not to drop them. He folds them over the neck of his shirt like the more stylish youths do with their sunglasses and goes over to the newcomer._

FLINT: Wait. What?!

WOMAN: _[Breathing heavily. Can barely speak, but when she eventually does, it's with that aloof but out-there accent of a British mystic.]_ I—I—! Oh—oh no—

FLINT: _[Helps her up.]_ Are you all right?

WOMAN: _[Takes a deep breath.] _Wh…why would they t…tear it down?

FLINT: What did they tear down?

WOMAN: My flat! My…my summer flat!

FLINT: Oh. I'm sorry…do you want some rocks? _[Offers her rocks from his pockets.]_

_The woman shakes her head and breathes heavily, trying to regain composure. Flint pats her awkwardly on the back, and they're silent for a minute as she _

WOMAN: I'll be fine… _[Pulls out a bottle from her voluminous pockets and takes a swig.] _Just…_[Sniffles and sighs.]_ Where am I?

FLINT: You're in a cave. The brand-new Sparkswood Science Cave!

WOMAN: Science?…oh. You're a Muggle, are you not?

FLINT: Um…no. I'm a scientist. Oh hey, how did you get here? Did you use that new Live Corp transportalizer? I thought that the release would be delayed after Chester V tried to kill me, but…eee, I've read about it, it's so cool! _[Giggles and jumps a little because he's super pumped about science.]_ Can I see it?

WOMAN: _[Laughs.]_ Oh, you are such a Muggle! Those not gifted with magical ability as innate as mine could never understand the art of Apparition.

FLINT: _[Slightly offended.]_ Magical ability? I'm a scientist. I don't believe in magic. See why? _[Points to his contraption on the floor that's shining light.]_ I invented that! It's my Anywhere Lightinator! It can lightenate any room, anytime, anywhere! Look, the only magic I need is science because it's the only one that exists.

WOMAN: How…quaint. Oh, you silly boy. You wouldn't say that if you had—_[Realizing that she's forgotten something.]_ Wait, wait, wait, what year is it?

FLINT: 2013. Why?

WOMAN: _[Looks panicked. Begins talking quietly to herself.] _2013…1997…mm, 16 years, oh my…I knew this would happen, I was a fool to ignore my own vision! _[She buries her head in her hands and moans.]_

FLINT: Uh. Okay then. I never even got your name. I'm Flint. Flint Lockwood. And you're, ah…

WOMAN: _[Sighs.] _Professor Sybil Trelawney, Divination Teacher at Hogwarts School and Witchcraft and Wizardry.

FLINT: _[Doesn't believe anything she says.]_…riiiiiiight, yeah. Sure. What's in that bottle?

TRELAWNEY: Hogsmeade's finest gin.

FLINT: Oh, ginger ale? I want some!

TRELAWNEY: NO! It's a little too…potent for you, child. It's not good for Muggles like you.

FLINT: "Muggle"…? Is that some kind of rude term for scientists, or something? That's not nice, and I don't appreciate it!

TRELAWNEY: Silly boy! Though I suppose you couldn't know, and wouldn't understand. _[The panic in her voice slowly rises.]_ I couldn't expect you to believe me when I say I found a time-turner in a crumbling trunk of my great-grandmother Cassandra's while on summer holiday. Oh, I didn't believe it, either! How did she have one? How did I never know? And then my Inner Eye wept, and I knew it wept for me, but nevertheless against all my judgment I turned it two, ten, three hundred times, I do not know…but would you believe me, believe the terror I felt my feet fall out from under me as I missed my mark and realized that the place was demolished? Oh, the panic! And the dreadful twisting feeling of a sudden airborne Apparition! And having to go through it twice, first as a vague uneasy feeling blinked away and again, again! as I fell and fell and regretted ignoring my own vision…_[Desperate. Clutching her bottle of gin.]_ Would you believe me?

FLINT: Ummmmmmm. _[Backs away.]_ No.

_ A light begins to shimmer in the back corner of stage left, but Flint and Trelawney don't notice._

TRELAWNEY: Why does no one ever believe the Seer! Why? _[She falls to her knees crying loudly, her sobs punctuated occasionally by a gulping sound as she swigs her gin.]_

FLINT: Look, I'm a scientist, and, um…

TRELAWNEY: _[Unlatches the time-turner chain and waves the device wildly in one hand and her bottle in the other.] _Look! Look at it! Evidence that I am not a fraud!

FLINT: _[Unimpressed.]_ It's just an hourglass necklace. There's nothing magical about it, and the scienceyest thing about it is…gravity. Where's your transportalizer? That's the only way you could've gotten in—


	3. Troisième Scène

_There's a loud scream from the glowing corner of stage right, and the lights go black for a split second before coming back on right after a girl wearing a Victorian-era nightgown falls on stage left. The weird lights slowly fade away. Trelawney drops the bottle in surprise, and there's a shattering sound as it breaks, its gin spilling all across the stage._

FLINT: Geez, another one?

TRELAWNEY: My gin! _[Looks impossibly disappointed as she stuffs her time-turner back in her pocket.]_

GIRL: _[Shrieking. Her dialect is a high-class British type, a little antiquated.] _O! O! Mr. Henry?! Ms. Brown?! Where are you? _[Falls silent and pushes herself up, taking a few steps closer to the center of the stage and whimpering.]_

TRELAWNEY: _[Relived, forgetting about the lost gin.]_ Another one! Another Apparition! _[Picks up the broken bottleneck and begins gesturing with it.]_ Look! You have to believe me!

GIRL: _[Sees them and begins shrieking anew.] _O no, o no! Not here! Not here! _[Murmuring angrily to herself.] _I TOLD them we should have had the séance!

_Flint creeps toward her, but not with a creepy kind of creep._

FLINT:_ [He stops creeping.] _…hello?

GIRL: _[Shrieks and tries to hide her clothing.]_ Look away, spirit! I am hardly dressed and proper!

FLINT: Spirit? Oh, don't tell me you're like _her_— _[Gestures to Trelawney, whose face sours.]_

GIRL: Spirit! Away! O, what was the spell that Madame Iritovsky told me… o, spirit, simply tell me how to get away from here! And then go away!

FLINT: Um, I hate to break it to you, but…spirits don't exist. I'm a scientist.

GIRL: _[Daring to come a little closer to center stage.] _Rubbish! That's what they all say!

TRELAWNEY: He's right for once, dear.

FLINT: For once?

TRELAWNEY: _[Joins the group on center stage.] _Ghosts exist, of course, as do certain forces that not even the most gifted of Seers can understand, or will…oh, you poor foolish girl! You must have been accidentally caught up in a Side-Along Apparition to have gotten in here. You are certainly be a Muggle with all this talk of spirits. _[A bit angrily.] _I know you cannot understand, but you must never dare insult the powers beyond with this supernatural nonsense!

GIRL: _[Shrinks back fearfully.] _Spirits, away! Please don't hurt me! _[Shakily picks up a small rock and throws it at Flint, his arms folded. It bounces off of him, and he sighs and rolls his eyes.]_

FLINT: Look, we're not spirits. We're human beings in an unexplored cave on Chewandswallow Island under the A on the map of the Atlantic Ocean. There was an earthquake and then a rockslide, so I got stuck here, and then Mrs. Sybil…Trewes, I think? I'm bad with names.

GIRL: Mrs. St. Trewes?! Terrence's mother?! _[Curtsies frantically.]_

TRELAWNEY: _[Puts an unimpressed emphasis on the parts of her name he got wrong, which was most of them.]_ _Ms_. Sybil _Trelawney_, Seer, thank you very much.

FLINT: Yeah. Trelawney. She got a new Live Corp transportalizer—

TRELAWNEY: Stop with this transportalizer ridiculousness! I told you, I found a time-turner and had to Apparate unexpectedly when it worked! And as I have a lesson plan to prepare, I really must be returning home soon…really, I have no reason to stay. I'm sure someone will be here soon to pick you both up. So long. _[She turns on her heel but trips on her robes and falls back on the ground.]_

FLINT: Like I was saying, she got a transportalizer and landed here by mistake. If we wait an hour or two, my girlfriend Sam will be back to get us out. _[Fiddles with the glasses, his expression morphing from unimpressed to kind of sad.]_

TRELAWNEY: Why won't you believe me? I saw this! I saw that I would be trapped here! Not long ago…actually, no! Long ago I saw you too! I saw a man, an ugly man—

FLINT: _[Forgets the glasses.]_ Hey!

TRELAWNEY: _[Pushing herself to her feet and moving to center stage towards the other two.]_—a man ugly of spirit and long of face, ungifted with the Inner Eye and completely unable to accept that reality extends far beyond our own, that there's more to this world than what we see!

FLINT: Yes! They're called atoms, and they're everywhere throughout the universe even though we can't see them, trillions and trillions and trillions of them! They're not supernatural, they're AWESOME!

TRELAWNEY: I'm not talking about the supernatural! I'm talking about magic! I'm a Seer, I know what—

GIRL: _[Gasps.]_ A Seer?! You mean you can contact the dead? _[Looks of comprehension, then excitement, dawn on her face.]_ O! I understand now! You attempted a séance, but and then the spirits pulled you in here, to their world! And now you are trying to get out of here. O, can you help me, too? I have an outing with Mr. St. Trewes this evening and I must prepare, I simply cannot be late! My mama _[pronounced with emphasis on the second ma]_ must be frantic!

TRELAWNEY: _[Groans.]_ I have no time for this supernatural foolishness! I—

GIRL: _[Interrupting.]_ I have no time for that either! I do fancy a good séance, but getting dragged to this netherworld by some pish-posh errant spirit is just silly. O, I never did introduce myself. _[Curtsies at a regular speed.]_ I am Tossie Merring. Madame Trelawney, I am delighted to be in the presence of a true Seer.

TRELAWNEY: _Madame_…Trelawney? A true Seer? Me, a true Seer… _[Slowly grins, looking flattered.]_ At last, someone who believes in the power of the Inner Eye! I can see that you will have a bright, illustrious future, my child…unlike this Muggle… _[Gestures, annoyed, to Flint with the broken neck of her bottle.]_

FLINT: Hey! I'm not a Muggle! You have no right to call me any kind of name when you claim to have, what, time traveled here from the past? With magic. _[Totally unimpressed. Pauses for sassy emphasis between each ridiculous facet of her story.] _You time traveled, with magic, into a forgotten cave, on the island, that's under the A on the map of the Atlantic Ocean. And you call _me_ crazy!

_Tossie moves in front of Trelawney, instinctively shielding her new idol from Flint's words. None of them notice a cat wander in from stage right and begin to wash itself, watching them fight over meticulous licks of its tongue. Note that if that cat isn't super well trained you might want to wait for its entrance until it actually has a speaking—err, meowing—part._

TOSSIE: O, don't talk to her like that, don't talk to her like that! I know that Madame Trelawney has to be a powerful Seer to have survived the journey here! I know she can help us escape! _[Glares at Flint, comprehension dawning on her face.]_ O. _[Suspiciously.] _You're a spirit, are you not? A spirit in disguise. Yes, you have to be! Look at those hideous clothes, not even a poor servant boy would wear them! And you're trying to prevent me from returning home from the spirit world, just to worry my mama sick, and to prevent me from seeing Mr. St. Trewes! Hmph! _[Folds her arms and scowls.]_ And do not dare look at me in my scant nightgown! It's not proper!

FLINT: Why would I be trying to stop you from getting out? I'm human, too! And we will get out, don't doubt me. My girlfriend Sam is getting antipolish right now from my dad's house. Scientific, reliable rock antipolish to melt the rockslide! We'll be out of here in an hour!

TOSSIE: Rock anti…polish? Don't be silly! Stop talking to me.

CAT: Meow. _[Walks over to Flint and begins rubbing against his jeans, purring.]_

TOSSIE: _[Shrieks in glee at a pitch that causes every porpoise on the Eastern Seaboard to turn their little porpoisey heads towards Chewandswallow Island in awe. Trelawney drops her bottleneck on the ground in surprise. Her voice raises several octaves when she speaks.]_ Awwww, what a pwecious wittle kitty! _[Gets down on her knees, making kissy noises.] _Come 'ere, pwecious dawing, let me pet you! Come 'ere!

_Ideally, the cat looks at her contemptuously for a moment, stops purring, and then continues swirling around Flint's legs. This is pretty difficult to train a cat to do, so if needed it can just stick with Flint continuously until its exit, or at least until it gets bored and wanders off. No matter what it does, it never goes over to Tossie, ever. Tossie is devastated by its lack of equivocal adoration for her, and whenever it wanders by on stage she calls to it desperately in a baby voice in between her lines and looks hurt when it doesn't respond. Flint has a quiet smirk whenever he pets it._

TOSSIE: _[Frustrated. Calls to the cat as Flint speaks his next lines.] _Kitty, come here! Ugh! Come here!

FLINT: _[Bends down and pets it.] _Sorry, I suppose it's just not interested in you. _[To cat.] _Where did you come from…? Are you an undiscovered species of cave cat? _[Scratching its ears.] _You're no foodimal, that's for sure…you're even cuter than a foodimal, aren't you…yes you are. Yes you aaaaare!

TOSSIE: It's not faiiiiir! This all happened because you are a meddling spirit, and it is NOT nice! Hmph! _[Stomps away towards the back of stage right, all in a huff.]_ Don't look at me, you indecent cretin!

FLINT: Indecent cretin?

TRELAWNEY: Where are you going?

TOSSIE: O, come with me, Madame Trelawney! We shall get far away from this rude spirit and you can get us home! _[Storms offstage.]_

TRELAWNEY: _[Sighs.]_ She's going to get lost in the dark and run back here whining within five minutes.

FLINT: No, my Anywhere Lightinator puts light everywhere using refraction principles. This entire cave is lit up. She can go for miles.

TRELAWNEY: So this contraption is like…like a Muggle version of _lumos maximus_, but far less stylish.

FLINT: Hey! It is _too_ stylish! I just haven't had time to paint it yet…

TRELAWNEY: Let it go. You take care of Tossie, I need to be going.

FLINT: So you're just…leaving us here?

TRELAWNEY: I can feel myself growing ill…I saw this in my vision! I never deny the help of the Inner Eye, and for this very reason! Ignoring what is forecast always goes dreadfully wrong…_ [Groans.]_

FLINT: You don't need a vision to see that. Drinking too much ginger ale—well, too much of anything—always hurts your stomach. But are you sure you want to use your transportalizer now? Since you didn't exactly mean to land here and all, and Tossie didn't either, I'm not sure you should try it without more practice.

TRELAWNEY: Stop! Stop with this transportalizer nonsense! What will it take to convince you, a spell?

FLINT: _[Unimpressed.] _You mean a flash of light and some sleight of hand? Come on, that's just well-applied science.

TRELAWNEY: _[Rummages through her pocket to find her wand.]_ Hmph! I'll prove it to you, then! I'll prove it…see, here's my wand…

FLINT: It's a stick.

TRELAWNEY: Wand!

FLINT: Stiiiiick!

TRELAWNEY: Wand! Here, look! Where are those bottle shards…Accio shards!Reparo!

_Just before the newly-repaired bottle flies into Trelawney's hand, using either a string hung from above and manipulated by a stagehand, or a sleight-of-hand by Trelawney, there's a sudden loud crashing noise from offstage in Tossie's direction, immediately followed by her typical shriek. Flint jumps and looks towards the noise, missing the spell._

TRELAWNEY: _[Waves the bottle desperately towards Flint, trying to get him to care. He's still looking towards the noise, concerned.]_ Magic, boy, magic! Look at this bottle! Its shards were scattered across the floor and now they're in my hand, together again! _[She opens the bottle and takes a swig, looking disappointed that the gin didn't also Accio back in.]_

FLINT: _[Finally turns around.] _What? Oh. Are you really trying to fool me? Come on, Trelawney, that's immature. I'm an adult, you don't have to pretend you have magic powers just to impress me. I'm not impressed by frauds! _[Trelawney's face falls.'_ I know you just pulled an extra bottle out of your…robe things.

TRELAWNEY: _[Trelawney stows her wand back in her pocket, looking very, very hurt.] _…fraud?

FLINT: _[Doesn't seem to notice that he triggered a meltdown.] _And you won't even share! Rude.

TRELAWNEY: I'm a…fraud?

FLINT: Come on, stop wasting time. We need to go see if Tossie's okay. _[Sets off towards stage right.]_

TRELAWNEY: _[Quietly, to herself.] _Fraud…fraud…oh, I'm always the fraud, aren't I…! _[She falls to her knees before sliding into an awkward sitting position, staring off into the distance.]_

FLINT: _[Over his shoulder.] _Are you coming?

TRELAWNEY: _[Bitterly.] _No, I'm too much of a fraud to be of any help! _[Absentmindedly plays with her bottle, or the cat if it happens to be nearby.]_

FLINT: _[Sighs and walks offstage.] _Tossie? Tosssssie! Where are you— Tossie!

_While Flint's dealing with Tossie's mess, Trelawney notices Flint's backpack. She stands up shakily and goes to rummage through it, pulling out two Food Bars and a variety of odd spray cans, twisted wires, and light-up trinkets that she sets down besides her. At the bottom of the backpack she finds a plastic crystal ball, the cheap kind someone might buy at Halloween as a decoration. Trelawney's face lights up in surprise, and she peers into it expectantly, alternating between gazing into it while she moves her hands just over the surface and shaking it in frustration while tapping at it with her wand, murmuring unheard spells._

_Flint and Tossie walk back onstage, arguing._

TOSSIE: You speak nonsense, spirit! Your world is dirty and despicable, full of cruelty!

FLINT: And you nearly got crushed by a falling boulder! Why would a spirit ever try to kill you with something so cliché?

TOSSIE: You spirits are a nasty lot! It must be some sort of evil trickery that you're playing on me!

FLINT: Give it up, Tossie. You're the one talking nonsense!

TOSSIE: Do not DARE speak to me like that, spirit! You are beneath me!

FLINT: Haha, I am beneath you! Because if I'm a spirit like you say, then my corpse would be buried _beneath_ the ground. _[Laughs pathetically.]_

TOSSIE: _[Missing the terrible pun entirely.] _O, so you _do_ admit that you are a spirit!

FLINT: Give it _up_ already! Geez! Trelawney, am I a spirit? Tell her no. She'll believe _you._

_Trelawney doesn't respond. Flint notices her sitting on the floor, her back towards him as she peers into the crystal ball. Flint goes over to his backpack._

FLINT: Trelawney? Are you…wait, did you dig through my backpack? That was really rude, Trelawney. _[Silence.] _Trelawney? _[Silence.]_ TRELAWNEY!

TRELAWNEY: _[Realizes she's being spoken to and starts, sheltering her stolen ball defensively.]_ What? Oh. No, I would never…yes. I did. But look! Look at what you have here, Mr. Lockwood! _[Holds up the fake crystal ball.] _It may look empty, but it just needs a bit of prodding to recast its gaze on the Beyond. This is no mere Muggle knock-off, this is a genuine Seers' Orb! Marquisian crystal! 14th-century Dorée footwork!

_Tossie runs over to Trelawney, sits down daintily, and gazes excitedly into the ball as Flint begins putting things back in his backpack, annoyed._

TOSSIE: O, Madame Trelawney, how wonderful! Can you see my mama and papa in the human world? They must be dreadfully worried!

TRELAWNEY: _[Mildly annoyed. Polishing the surface with her sleeve.] _No, as I _just_ said, dear, I need a bit more time to get it working again. It has temporarily lost its way from the world beyond…

TOSSIE: _[Listening but not taking anything in.] _O, but what about my future? Does my outing with Mr. St. Trewes end with… _[Her voice softens for the first time in the play.]_ …an engagement?

TRELAWNEY: Tossie, dear, crystal gazing is a particularly refined art, and I—

TOSSIE: _[Interrupting.]_ Please, Madame Trelawney, this is a matter of the utmost importance—

TRELAWNEY: _[Frustrated by the crystal ball and already fed up with Tossie.]_ Be QUIET for a second!

_Tossie looks hurt and folds her arms, scowling. Trelawney begins shaking the ball angrily._

FLINT: _[Totally unimpressed.] _Really? Really. I found that in the trashcan behind my apartment in San Franjose after Halloween and thought I could wire it into a cool light machine, so I brought it on the boat here to work on. It's trash. There's nothing magical about it.

TRELAWNEY: _[Eyes narrowed. Trying to not have another outburst.]_ Mr. Lockwood, from the first moment that I stepped into this cave—

FLINT: _[Murmuring to himself.] _Fell in it, more like—

TRELAWNEY: —from the moment I _stepped_ into this cave, I sensed that you did not possess the proper spirit for the noble art of Divination. You may be young in years but your soul is as dry as the Muggle scientific treatises to which you cling so desperately, trying to fill the emptiness in— _[Freezes mid-sentence, mouth agape, staring straight ahead. She slowly pushes herself to her feet and suddenly drops the crystal ball, which shatters.]_

FLINT: Um. What am I trying to fill?

TOSSIE: _[Stands up, too.]_ O, Madame Trelawney, is something wrong? Has this spirit caused you too much trouble?

FLINT: _I'm_ the one causing trouble? She's the one who called my soul dry!

TOSSIE: _[Dismissively.]_ O, don't talk to me. Madame Trelawney?

_Trelawney is in a trance. Her voice now has that raspy quality generally reserved for the all-knowing mixed with the wheeze of a desperate robot, the words at the end of her sentences either drawn out or cut off quickly as she takes a wheezing breath. She lunges for Tossie and digs her nails into her shoulder. Tossie shrieks and squirms, but she cannot get away, and she and Flint stare at her in a mix of awe, horror, and confusion._

TRELAWNEY: Three moons rise in tonight's eternal sky…one, shining brightly upon the mystery's eternal conclusion…the second, upon the faithful who will never have faith in its glow…and the third upon the finished tale who knows not the future…and for an hour will these moons align in the house of Venus, yet they were never meant to meet…and it all shall be for nauuuuuuught…_[Coughs and releases Tossie, the look of otherworldliness suddenly gone.]_ I'm so sorry, dear girl. Did you say something?

TOSSIE: _[Unable to speak at all.] _I…I…!

FLINT: _[Creeped out.] _No, neither of us said anything, but you…did…

TRELAWNEY: You must be hearing things. I've said nothing—oh no, how did the Orb break?

FLINT: _[Really concerned.] _Do…do you really not remember that cryptic rant you just gave us in that creepy voice?

TOSSIE: O, you were possessed, yes, that's it! This nasty spirit and his cohorts just tried to control you, Madame Trelawney! You spoke in tongues and looked to be in a distant world!

TRELAWNEY: _[Facepalms.]_ Tossie, dear, possession is not—

TOSSIE: I know all the signs, and one of them is the inability to remember your possession! _[Points accusingly at Flint.] _O, look at what he's done, Madame Trelawney! He could have killed you! What a powerful Seer you are to have been able to fight him off in all his treachery!

TRELAWNEY: Him? Oh, he's no spirit, and we're not in the spirit world, no. I mean, look at him! Hah. He doesn't even believe in magic. _[To herself as she digs through the crystal ball shards.]_ They're not supposed to—they're unbreakable! Oh my…

FLINT: _[Has that tone one adopts when it's clear who's won.] _Thank you! See, Tossie? I told you I'm a scientist and not a specter!

TOSSIE: _[Tossie's expression is both pained and furious.] _Hmph!

_Silence consumes the stage for a little while. Tossie is fuming but gradually calms down. Trelawney is growing more and more desperate as she waves her arms over the crystal ball, and Flint is again fiddling with Sam's glasses. The cat is with the posse, but unnoticed._

TOSSIE: _[Quietly.] _I want to go home.

FLINT: _[Morosely.]_ I want to see Sam again.

TRELAWNEY: _[Quietly and morosely.] _I miss Hogwarts.

CAT: _[Cattily.] _Meow.

TOSSIE: _[Perks up with a small shriek.] _O, pwecious sweetums, pwease wet me wove 'oo! Pwease—come eer, kitty, come eer! _[It doesn't respond, but stays close to center stage. She calls to the cat in vain a few more times before giving up.] _O, that horrid cat! Why must it taunt me? It reminds me of my own sweet lost kitty, Princess Arjumand… o, Madame Trelawney! You must help me get home! I still have to find her!

TRELAWNEY: _[Sighs and pushes herself wearily to her feet.]_ I might as well. This Orb simply will not…well, it wasn't responding in the first place, and now…

FLINT: How are we going to get you home? You never even told us where you're from, or how you got here. I still see no transportalizer, but… _[He remembers Trelawney's prophecy and doubt crosses his face.]_

TOSSIE: O, it was dreadful! I woke up very early this morning and heard the strangest noise in the hallway. I assumed it was a spirit, for no one is ever up at such an hour! I peeked out into the hall and saw Mr. St. Trewes' friend Mr. Henry moving quickly towards the stairs. I was very surprised, and against my better judgment I followed him outside to find that he had a clandestine rendezvous with my cousin Ms. Brown! O, was I ever so surprised. But before I could confront them, I felt the strangest sensation, and suddenly I was in this cave!

TRELAWNEY: Impossible. You had to have Apparated in here.

TOSSIE: I promise, Madame Trelawney, I'm telling you all that I know! I do not even know what Apparition is, does it have to do with spirits and kidnapping?

_As Trelawney speaks and Tossie realizes it has nothing to do with spirits, she grows instantly bored, though Flint listens with interest. The cat begins walking towards the back of stage left, and Tossie follows to her, calling to her quietly, desperately, in her baby talk._

TRELAWNEY: No, dear, it's—it's nothing like that. You see—well, I've known this whole time that you, too, must be a Muggle, like Flint. You were likely caught up in a Side-Along Apparition of a careless passing wizard who panicked, missed his mark, landed here, and left immediately, without you. I'm surprised that the Ministry has yet to call on us, but I suppose whatever modern American version they have here is far less effective than the Ministry back in Britain. It's best not to explain too much, but—Tossie, are you listening?

_Tossie is in the corner of stage left_ _where she fell, trying in vain to pet the cat. She's on her knees, reaching towards it, when the lights that shimmered upon her arrival begin to do so again. Tossie doesn't notice, but the others do._

TOSSIE: —kitty, pwease! O, yes Madame Trelawney, I am. Babums, pwecious sweetie—

FLINT: _[Worried. Takes a few steps stage right.] _Trelawney, what are those lights around her? Don't tell me that they're magical.

TRELAWNEY: I was going to ask you the same thing. They're not some malfunction from your Lightinator?

FLINT: _[Picks it up and shakes it.]_ No, I—

_The lights intensify, and Tossie realizes that something strange is going on. She screams and jumps to her feet as the cat runs towards stage right._

TOSSIE: _[Shrieking.]_ Madame Trelawney! O, help! What's—

_The lights go out for a second, with the exception of the shimmering, and when they come back up (almost immediately), Tossie is gone, just like that. The shimmering fades out._

FLINT: _[Mouth agape.] _No way.

TRELAWNEY: She…she Apparated?

FLINT: _[Very excited.] _NO WAY.

TRELAWNEY: A silent Appartion, and with such a quick variation on Nox! An impressive nonverbal spell use…but why did she feign that Muggle stupidity for so long?

FLINT: Trelawney, do you know what that was?!

TRELAWNEY: Why, an Apparition, of course. She had simply missed her destination the first time and was too embarrassed to admit it to us, so when she saw the chance to Apparate out of here and make it look otherwise, why, she did! Marvelous.

FLINT: It _was_ marvelous! But not like that. _[Giddy.] _Trelawney, that was time travel! We just witnessed actual time travel!

TRELAWNEY: Time travel? No, Flint, that was merely Apparition with a fancy spell after it. The use of a time-turner looks very different than that.

FLINT: Trelawney, that was net-based time travel! I can't believe it! I had heard people talking about it when I worked at Live Corp, but no one knew much about it. Some of the universities in England are working on it right now, and it's still very experimental, but that—Trelawney, she was from the future!

TRELAWNEY: Are you saying that Muggles have created an alternative to time-turners?

FLINT: Yes, scientists have, but not yet! That's the cool part! It doesn't even work yet, but now I know it will! _[Shrieks almost Tossiesquely in excitement, jumping up and down.]_ I can't believe how AWESOME that was! Oh, I wish I could work on that project! So cool! So cool.

TRELAWNEY: _[Shaking her head. Pulls the time-turner out of her pocket.]_ Alright then. But really, Flint, I must return home to my time, even if you believe me mad—perhaps _because_ you believe me mad…

FLINT: _[Forgetting about the time travel for the moment.] _Wasn't your appartment demolished?

TRELAWNEY: My summer flat, yes. It already was, but it hasn't been yet. _[Holds her time-turner in her palm and stares at it.]_ Yes, fifteen turns once I Apparate to Diagon Alley…

FLINT: Wait, so…you're just going to leave me here? _[Untucks the glasses from his shirt and holds them sadly, staring into the lenses.]_

TRELAWNEY: Your girlfriend—Sam, was it? Is she still coming?

FLINT: Yeah…

TRELAWNEY: Hm… _[The spark of an idea flashes across her face, and she takes her wand out of her pocket and points it towards stage left.]_ Defodio!

_ There's the sudden grumbling sound of rocks falling offstage, and Flint stares off stage left in shock._

FLINT: What? Where did the rockslide—it just…just—

TRELAWNEY: _[Laughs.]_ Disappeared, yes. I told you, dear. I'm a witch and a Seer, and you're free to go! Farewell.

_Trelawney walks stage right with a smile, turns on her heel, and disappears with a bang._ _Flint is left alone, unable to speak, his worldview shattered. His eyes are wide, and all the vigor has left his limbs that now hang limp like noodles. He walks slowly to center stage and throws his backpack over his shoulder with a sad sort of sling. As he bends over to pick up the Lightinator, a peppy blonde girl with a backpack stumbles in, squinting and holding two spray cans. She can't see a thing. Meanwhile, the cave cat has wandered back on stage._

GIRL: Flint? Where are you?

FLINT: _[Looks up, the Lightinator in hand.]_ Sam! Oh, Sam! _[Drops the Lightenator, runs over, and hugs her. Realizes he still has her glasses and hands them back.]_ Oh, hey, I didn't break your glasses. I never cleaned them, either.

SAM: _[Puts on glasses and looks around in awe.]_ Oh, wow, you were right! This place is perfect for a Sparkswood Lab! _[Pauses, confused.]_ Wait a second, how did I get in here? How did you melt the rocks if you were all out of rock antipolish? Did I stumble all the way back to your dad's house for nothing?

FLINT: It's a really, really weird story, and I don't know how I'll prove any of it to you. I can't even prove it to myself.

CAT: Meow. _[Comes up to Flint and won't leave his or Sam's side.]_

SAM: _[Tossiesque in her excitement over the cat. She, however, succeeds in keeping it contained.] _Are you _sure_? This cave cat seems to like you! _[Petting the cat.] _What a cutie, oh, yes you are…

FLINT: _[Smiles sadly.]_ Come on, let's head back to Dad's. I'll tell you everything, even the stuff that makes no sense. Which is all of it, really. _[Presses a button on the Lightenator. The stage lights slowly dim._

_Exit, pursued by a cat._

_Tossie walks on stage right and sprawls out on the ground as though asleep, unseen in the darkness. Well-funded theatres can have her pushed out in a fancy Victorian-style bed. A spotlight shines on her, and she wakes up slowly, lazily._

_Stage left, Trelawney enters unseen, pushing a trunk through which she's been digging. She kneels down and continues to rummage through it_

_The cat enters from stage left as well and hopefully sits down center stage._

TOSSIE: O, what a lovely bed. It's so nice to be home. _[Realizes what just happened and sits up suddenly.]_ Baine? Baine! I need assistance! _[To herself.] _O, what a strange dream that was…and so realistic! Baine!

_A second spotlight falls on Trelawney, who looks towards Tossie and begins speaking as though in conversation with her._

TRELAWNEY: A strange dream? Hah, silly girl. Such a strange world, more like… _[She stows the time-turned back in the trunk and closes it with a slam.]_

_Both spotlights focus on the cat._

CAT: Meow.

_The spotlights turn off with a definitive click. Curtain._

[Fin]


End file.
